Spotify has me in my feelings

I am currently listening to a playlist from the 2000 – RnB to be exact and it has me in my feelings like majorrr. I thought I would check up on my poor excuse of a blog and maybe update it a bit. So basically I decieded that it was in my best intrest to take the year off and apply to my masters next year. This would now remove it from my 2017 list technically, but technically it would still remain becuase im using this year to apply and hopefully be accepted in 2018! That would totally make my life, because it would validate alot of the hard work I have been doing lately. I also got basically straight A- and one B+ trust me that B+ was like basically an A to me because I worked sooo hard! God knows that class took everything in me. Although looking back these are the classes you never forget and the ones that teach you the most. In the moment I hate it but after I apperciate it. Regardless aside from this much else has not changed, I guess if you dont actively try to change, nothing much will really change. I’m still very single and in school and lastly my social life is not saying alot. But im working to change this during the summer, I am looking forward to alot more free time.

Update #2 – I did say one word to my sibling though so this is progress hopefully the next time I remember I have this I will have had a whole conversation. I just hope that the people around me also see the changes that need to occur in their lives in order for them to actually achieve the great things that I know they can. I just want everyone around me to win just like me.

Also I want to take this opportunity to congratulate myself on a hard year that paid off, and to encourage myself to never give up on me and to keep working hard. Half-ass work is not an option at all!

Honestly this post is so irrevlant but I wanted to document a couple jumbled thoughts and maybe add on to them later..

Also still hoping to receive a new car 🙂

Untill then

-I

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forver in my feelings.

Maybe this year is different, well at least in terms of posting that is. I was having one of those days today just feeling lonely and extremely bored. I need to find positive outlets for my boredom because sometimes I just get really in my feelings and start to think about all the fun things I could be doing if I wasn’t such a prude. I’ve been watching a lot of one tree hill lately and side note if you never watched this show you have not lived! But back to my point even though I know it’s a show and regular lives don’t turn out like tv lives it’s just so disheartening seeing them go out with friends and have meaningful relationships… It always just goes back to pride with me I focus on one thing and one thing only. Solitude is just how I get my things done, I need to learn to be more open and inviting. I hate small talk because I cannot understand the concept of it, what is the point? I just have a habit of getting to my point but what I’m noticing is that all my roadblocks are because I don’t make connections with people. I just do the required formalities and never try and relate on a personal level with people. I have mastered the art of surface conversations. I don’t know if I want to keep going back to read these type of posts but it’s a part of growth. I know this will pass and it’s not forever but for right now I feel like it’s all consuming.

Questions that I contemplate often are how do people just allow people to treat them crazy and not feel some type of way? Sorry Toronto lingo but basically how can people continually disrespect your character and you allow it? At what point are you being a door mat? And at what point are being overly sensitive? Was that worth it or was it just another moment? Hard to follow but these are some of the question I ask myself.

Also one thing I didn’t add to my new year’s resolution is that I want to try and build a meaningful relationship with my siblings. It’s always hard seeing other people getting along with their family and I just can’t seem to make it work. Also if you’re thinking the problem lays with me if I’m struggling in all aspects in life and I’m not denying this but I need people to understand me and how I function. I like order and to feel appreciated, it’s nice to hear some nice things sometimes. Instead of always being quick with the jabs because you tend to hold on to the jabs but faintly remember the compliments. I need the compliments to out way the jabs to silence the negative voice in my head reading with the nasty reply.

I feel a lot better getting this down, hopefully my next post will be about a good day! But for now peace and love.

-I

Another New Years 2017-Resolution

HELLLLLOOOOO TO MY 2016 SELF!!

My blog should be renamed thoughts on the new year since I tend to only remember that I have a blog when the new year is rolling in.. I always go through my very weak selection of previous posts and am always amazed at how much I have grown since last posting. I am now 24 if you’re doing the math .. sadly still single I think this is a constant at this point, but also really happy with where I am at in life atm. I did go back to school this time for myself and I did get a bunch of A’s and am about to graduate again this summer. I’m proud that I didn’t limit myself to my past experiences with school and allowed myself a second chance. As I’ve said previously already, odd years are good to me so 2017 be good to me! Sometimes I do find myself reminiscing about the past and how much fun I had but I don’t worry about stuff like that too much anymore. I try and find fun in the situation I am in now and make the best out of every opportunity. I want to do so much this year I can’t wait!

This year I want to do something different I want to create a list of things I hope to accomplish in 2017.

1.PRAY

2.GRADUATE

3.TRAVEL

4.MASTERS

5.INTERNSHIP

6.FUN

7.MAYBE FIND A MAN

8.HAVE THE BEST YEAR YET, OR I LIKE TO THINK OF IT AS 2013-BEST YEAR TO DATE!

Hopefully I write more but if I don’t and I do happen to look back at this next year a day before new year’s, I hope you have accomplished everything on your list and that if no one has said it yet for me to be the first I AM PORUD OF YOU! Also I hope to selfishly have a new car by next year, if anyone wants to donate hit me in the direct messages! Anything after 2013 is welcome 🙂

That’s all for this year but if I remember anything else I still have a couple days before the new year!

Signed,

Your Girl now 24, but forever 22

 

I don’t know…blah

Today I am writing from a place of despair, i don’t even think I’m using the word properly but who really cares. Thats the word i want to use to describe my feeling atm. I don’t know what to say i am no longer 22 and I’m still in Toronto. It’s just that i don’t have the same feeling of fun i use to. Going out at all hours, not having enough time in the day to hang out with all your different friends. Although due to some on foreseen things i addressed last year i am no longer on speaking terms with a lot of the people i use to hang with. Yes i still have great friends but i don’t know people that would go clubbing on a whim anymore. I miss those loud crazy people you hang with just to let loose. I find myself sometimes thinking about making amends for purely selfish reasons. Although every time i stop myself because it’s not worth it. Is pride really that important though, am i the better person for not resolving the issue or am i losing. Sometimes i just feel like I’m losing when people are talking about them hanging out and partying running into people i use to know. The small voice in my head wants to know, did they ask about me? did anyone even notice I’m not around? I know what your thinking so go make new friends, go out and have fun whats stopping you. Its just that i can’t really connect with people i don’t really know and i don’t feel comfortable going out with people i don’t know. The ones i am comfortable with are over the scene and want to have classy nights. Maybe its pms and i know this feeling will pass but i just hate when i get like this.

And as a totally unrelated note I’m still single, yup still have not ever gone out on a date..lifes rough over here. BUUUUT i am not waiting for no man to validate me, its not like I’m ugly or anything. It’s just pride will be my downfall, i don’t really go out, i don’t like talking to people i don’t know and i would never give someone i don’t know personal information about me. So i think most people just think I’m struck up or that i have a man and even if i didn’t i wouldn’t give them the time of day. All my problems could be solved if i could just open up but its just too late. Im stuck in my ways and i hope that life will turn around a bit for the summer! I need to have reckless nights to talk about, to reminisce about and to look forward to. Otherwise school, work and home I’m going to crack soon..

I just needed that off my chest, but if anyones reading and they can relate drop a comment! Tell me about your experience or any advice I’m all ears.. even though i may come off as hard headed :))

Hopefully the next time i read this i will be looking back and laughing

Two days before the NEW YEAR! 2016

I feel like somehow i find myself remembering to note down my thoughts and feelings days before new year. How this year has flown is crazy. I last reported i was 22 in toronto and struggling with school and finding a man. Well I’m now 23! yayyyyy and I’ve graduated university!! another yayy but sadly I’m still single and okay with it. I was rereading my old posts and truly feel the anger and sorrow i was while writing those posts. Since then I’ve just been keeping my head down working and taking some much needed time for myself before i go back to school eventually. I want this time to be because i want to not because i have to. I lost a lot of people from my life and have truly come to understand its not the amount of people you know but the quality of the few that matter. I no longer feel like the odd man out and can be open and honest with people.

I want this year to be even better then last year! I need for me to get straight A and live! FIND A MAN! DUH that will not change. Make my momma proud, i need to work hard now so that she wont have to work anymore. I want to better myself in all aspects and stop making excuses for my procrastination. I need to stop delaying things and making excuses and just do it.

i have big hopes and dreams for this year and i only hope that they all come true and that my nights continue to end with laughter and joy :))))

Living in the moment!

I started this thinking that i would post everyday and keep on this and make it something i do often. But i have come to the realization that you can’t actually write everyday because somedays i just like to mosh on nextflix for hours. Last i left i wrote some pretty heavy shit but to be honest it helped me a lot getting that off my chest. So since then i just decided to write whenever i have the over whelming need to just write and not filter myself. Its not like talking to your friends even though this is public its still private to me. I love the concept of writing and knowing you can always go back and see where you where three or four months ago. Thats kinda why i love twitter but anyway i always get to writing about why i like the idea of blogging.

So yeah reflection on my life atm, well I’m working hard to graduation and its a daily struggle to actually be motivated and stay focused i want nothing more then to make my family happy and i know i can do it if i just put my mind to it but its hard trying to live in the moment and also think of the future. Living in the moment is what i try to do but i don’t want these moments thats are fun to not amount to much in terms of my future. But i also don’t want to look back and regret not living in the moment. UGH! do you see the struggle.. but i guess this is called growing! Im just trying to remind myself that all this school was worth it! This time next year i will be doing something amazing with my life and this is just right now! I’m not working for right now I’m working for tomorrow but i also make sure to leave time for me and have stress free nights 🙂

But being from toronto i have to ask like have you heard that new DRAKE THOUGH! It is awesome you have to represent that 6 if you from toronto. A lot of people in the industry to don’t understand drake because they aren’t from toronto and don’t feel that certain connection. This mixtape is the TORNTO ANTHEM! I can hear my city from the beats, to the flow, to the slang, to the message! Honestly i can’t express my love for this mixtape any more then i already have! Just cop that still you won’t regret it. Honestly I’m bi-polar and you will see this in my writing. But but but i also watched THE DUFF and i was looking forward to that and it was actually so great! I read the book and as many of the people who read the book understand, the movie and book are vastly different. Each is still great in its own right, i honestly enjoyed it and i think if you are into that you should check it out! ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN IT MESSAGE ME!

Life …

I haven’t written in a while, I wanted to make frequent post and use this to help me vent a lot of the thoughts I have. Being a writer you have all these story lines that play out in your head. I relive certain moments in time again and again to see how i could have improved it. I like to think that if I had a second chance I would do a lot of things different. I love taking the bus alone and walking home because they are moments of silence where there world is illustrated in my head. I love having those precious moments to myself, in this day and age moments like this are rare. I use to have a lot of alone time and write. I’d use the time to read and be creative but I was so alone. I was content but not fulfilled I thought having a large group of friends would be cool. Cool is such a lame term but I don’t know how to describe it any better. I just wanted to experience life and live. Not in fantasy but in reality! And I lived, I had the time of my life. At 22 most people have had numerous relationships and formed unbreakable bonds. I did have some great friends lets not get shit twisted but I never had a serious relationship. I have never been on a date and never had a guy tell me he liked me. I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed or inadequate because woman should be empowered etc. I get it, I’m not going to play the dramatic violin and start crying but it would be nice if someone just showed some interest. I don’t have the nerve to approach anyone so maybe i thought the problem was me. So this summer i decided to try. Really try and actually show interest. I found a guy that really stood out to me, granted i didn’t have deep conversation with him but he was perfect to me. Although i guess he didn’t feel the same.

I wrote this to myself after he basically left me out in the cold and made me feel low. Really low. Sometimes i wonder if i was prettier maybe? if i was lighter? if i was shorter? i wonder what it was? was it me or was it him? or maybe he didn’t know he hurt me.. maybe..

Testimonial …..

I actually did feel something for you and I don’t know what I did to make you feel like you couldn’t be around me. I can only blame myself for putting myself out there but I just wanted to try something new for once. Your entitled to feel any sort of way you want to. But it isn’t necessary to make me look like a stalker. I don’t know what could’ve happened but now I know nothing will happen. I asked for an answer either way and I guess I got what I asked for. I just hate being embarrassed. I feel embarrassed if someone else falls so if I’m the one being embarrassed I take that really heavy. None of this really makes sense because I’m honestly trying to make sense of my own feelings. I’m getting over this speed bump and I know it will take some time but I’m better person knowing. I know everyone’s going to see this as a personal insult to me. I’m not even going to lie at first I though the same thing am I that repulsive. Honestly though let’s be real that ain’t it. Looool a girl has to have some self respect ey?! I know I’m a knock out and any guy would be lucky to have me. So if he wasn’t interested he should’ve been grown enough to take the compliment and keep it moving respectfully. This whole thing is so childish I hate broken telephone and it’s whatever. I guess it takes certain situations to truly show you someone’s character. I live and learn everyday. This is just another life lesson and I’m taking it in strides. Because when one door closes another one opens. Someone even greater is waiting for me. I can’t see this as a lose but as a win. This didn’t work out because it wasn’t meant to be. I could be dogging a bullet and I’m more then grateful. Truthfully no one can take my dignity away from me. I’m a real nigga and I will continue thinking I’m the shit cause I am! Everything works out the way it’s supposed to and deep down I hope there is more to this story that clarifies it and I keep my composure when I find out. Also that i don’t look dumb but instead just an innocent bystander caught in the cross hairs.

Ughhhh I needed that off my chest. I’ve written it all down now I can truly say I’m over it.

Long post but yeah i wrote that in the summer and it still effects me 6 months later!