forver in my feelings.

Maybe this year is different, well at least in terms of posting that is. I was having one of those days today just feeling lonely and extremely bored. I need to find positive outlets for my boredom because sometimes I just get really in my feelings and start to think about all the fun things I could be doing if I wasn’t such a prude. I’ve been watching a lot of one tree hill lately and side note if you never watched this show you have not lived! But back to my point even though I know it’s a show and regular lives don’t turn out like tv lives it’s just so disheartening seeing them go out with friends and have meaningful relationships… It always just goes back to pride with me I focus on one thing and one thing only. Solitude is just how I get my things done, I need to learn to be more open and inviting. I hate small talk because I cannot understand the concept of it, what is the point? I just have a habit of getting to my point but what I’m noticing is that all my roadblocks are because I don’t make connections with people. I just do the required formalities and never try and relate on a personal level with people. I have mastered the art of surface conversations. I don’t know if I want to keep going back to read these type of posts but it’s a part of growth. I know this will pass and it’s not forever but for right now I feel like it’s all consuming.

Questions that I contemplate often are how do people just allow people to treat them crazy and not feel some type of way? Sorry Toronto lingo but basically how can people continually disrespect your character and you allow it? At what point are you being a door mat? And at what point are being overly sensitive? Was that worth it or was it just another moment? Hard to follow but these are some of the question I ask myself.

Also one thing I didn’t add to my new year’s resolution is that I want to try and build a meaningful relationship with my siblings. It’s always hard seeing other people getting along with their family and I just can’t seem to make it work. Also if you’re thinking the problem lays with me if I’m struggling in all aspects in life and I’m not denying this but I need people to understand me and how I function. I like order and to feel appreciated, it’s nice to hear some nice things sometimes. Instead of always being quick with the jabs because you tend to hold on to the jabs but faintly remember the compliments. I need the compliments to out way the jabs to silence the negative voice in my head reading with the nasty reply.

I feel a lot better getting this down, hopefully my next post will be about a good day! But for now peace and love.

-I