I don’t know…blah

Today I am writing from a place of despair, i don’t even think I’m using the word properly but who really cares. Thats the word i want to use to describe my feeling atm. I don’t know what to say i am no longer 22 and I’m still in Toronto. It’s just that i don’t have the same feeling of fun i use to. Going out at all hours, not having enough time in the day to hang out with all your different friends. Although due to some on foreseen things i addressed last year i am no longer on speaking terms with a lot of the people i use to hang with. Yes i still have great friends but i don’t know people that would go clubbing on a whim anymore. I miss those loud crazy people you hang with just to let loose. I find myself sometimes thinking about making amends for purely selfish reasons. Although every time i stop myself because it’s not worth it. Is pride really that important though, am i the better person for not resolving the issue or am i losing. Sometimes i just feel like I’m losing when people are talking about them hanging out and partying running into people i use to know. The small voice in my head wants to know, did they ask about me? did anyone even notice I’m not around? I know what your thinking so go make new friends, go out and have fun whats stopping you. Its just that i can’t really connect with people i don’t really know and i don’t feel comfortable going out with people i don’t know. The ones i am comfortable with are over the scene and want to have classy nights. Maybe its pms and i know this feeling will pass but i just hate when i get like this.

And as a totally unrelated note I’m still single, yup still have not ever gone out on a date..lifes rough over here. BUUUUT i am not waiting for no man to validate me, its not like I’m ugly or anything. It’s just pride will be my downfall, i don’t really go out, i don’t like talking to people i don’t know and i would never give someone i don’t know personal information about me. So i think most people just think I’m struck up or that i have a man and even if i didn’t i wouldn’t give them the time of day. All my problems could be solved if i could just open up but its just too late. Im stuck in my ways and i hope that life will turn around a bit for the summer! I need to have reckless nights to talk about, to reminisce about and to look forward to. Otherwise school, work and home I’m going to crack soon..

I just needed that off my chest, but if anyones reading and they can relate drop a comment! Tell me about your experience or any advice I’m all ears.. even though i may come off as hard headed :))

Hopefully the next time i read this i will be looking back and laughing