I haven’t written in a while, I wanted to make frequent post and use this to help me vent a lot of the thoughts I have. Being a writer you have all these story lines that play out in your head. I relive certain moments in time again and again to see how i could have improved it. I like to think that if I had a second chance I would do a lot of things different. I love taking the bus alone and walking home because they are moments of silence where there world is illustrated in my head. I love having those precious moments to myself, in this day and age moments like this are rare. I use to have a lot of alone time and write. I’d use the time to read and be creative but I was so alone. I was content but not fulfilled I thought having a large group of friends would be cool. Cool is such a lame term but I don’t know how to describe it any better. I just wanted to experience life and live. Not in fantasy but in reality! And I lived, I had the time of my life. At 22 most people have had numerous relationships and formed unbreakable bonds. I did have some great friends lets not get shit twisted but I never had a serious relationship. I have never been on a date and never had a guy tell me he liked me. I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed or inadequate because woman should be empowered etc. I get it, I’m not going to play the dramatic violin and start crying but it would be nice if someone just showed some interest. I don’t have the nerve to approach anyone so maybe i thought the problem was me. So this summer i decided to try. Really try and actually show interest. I found a guy that really stood out to me, granted i didn’t have deep conversation with him but he was perfect to me. Although i guess he didn’t feel the same.
I wrote this to myself after he basically left me out in the cold and made me feel low. Really low. Sometimes i wonder if i was prettier maybe? if i was lighter? if i was shorter? i wonder what it was? was it me or was it him? or maybe he didn’t know he hurt me.. maybe..
I actually did feel something for you and I don’t know what I did to make you feel like you couldn’t be around me. I can only blame myself for putting myself out there but I just wanted to try something new for once. Your entitled to feel any sort of way you want to. But it isn’t necessary to make me look like a stalker. I don’t know what could’ve happened but now I know nothing will happen. I asked for an answer either way and I guess I got what I asked for. I just hate being embarrassed. I feel embarrassed if someone else falls so if I’m the one being embarrassed I take that really heavy. None of this really makes sense because I’m honestly trying to make sense of my own feelings. I’m getting over this speed bump and I know it will take some time but I’m better person knowing. I know everyone’s going to see this as a personal insult to me. I’m not even going to lie at first I though the same thing am I that repulsive. Honestly though let’s be real that ain’t it. Looool a girl has to have some self respect ey?! I know I’m a knock out and any guy would be lucky to have me. So if he wasn’t interested he should’ve been grown enough to take the compliment and keep it moving respectfully. This whole thing is so childish I hate broken telephone and it’s whatever. I guess it takes certain situations to truly show you someone’s character. I live and learn everyday. This is just another life lesson and I’m taking it in strides. Because when one door closes another one opens. Someone even greater is waiting for me. I can’t see this as a lose but as a win. This didn’t work out because it wasn’t meant to be. I could be dogging a bullet and I’m more then grateful. Truthfully no one can take my dignity away from me. I’m a real nigga and I will continue thinking I’m the shit cause I am! Everything works out the way it’s supposed to and deep down I hope there is more to this story that clarifies it and I keep my composure when I find out. Also that i don’t look dumb but instead just an innocent bystander caught in the cross hairs.
Long post but yeah i wrote that in the summer and it still effects me 6 months later!